Over the past 2 months or so, a new family has been attending my church. They have a 13 year old girl who has started coming to youth group, which is usually a great thing. It didn't take long to figure out that there was something different about this girl.
The first Wednesday night program that she attended was interesting to say the least. She first raised her hand in the middle of the lesson to ask who in the group were siblings. After we established who the brothers and sisters were, I continued with the lesson. A few minutes later, her hand went up again. She then pulled a cd out from her purse and asked if she could "share" it with everyone. I asked exactly how she intended to share it, seeing as how there is no cd player in our area.
The whole time, you could just tell that she wasn't aware of anything going on around her. She was in her own little world, and would come back into ours every few minutes to bring everything to a screeching halt to answer her random questions. As she keeps coming to church, it is increasingly becoming the norm.
She doesn't ask as many questions now, but she desperately tries to get the attention of other members of the youth group all during the lessons. Ways of doing this include slapping her own face, choking herself with her scarf, breaking out into random laughter, and a few other ways as well. Another issue we face is that when there is food around, she absolutely gorges herself. At our superbowl party, she had 3 plates of food and an entire box of Kroger cookies by herself. Her parents had to come pick her up early because she ate herself sick. I didn't see all of that, or I would have stopped her.
I spoke with the pastor and his wife about the situation. There immediate reply was "Oh, yeah- that girl has some major issues..." Turns out that she may be suffering from turrets, aspergers, schizophrenia, or some combination of them.
Needless to say, here is what I know for sure. She doesn't seem to be even remotely aware that there is a lesson going on. I know for a fact that she doesn't listen to a word I say. I am basically baby-sitting her for an hour on Wednesday and Sunday nights. I also know that her interruptions absolutely bring any teaching or spiritual moment we may be having to a halt. Her parents aren't big fans of having conversations about their daughter, so they haven't been much help. I do know that she isn't being abused in any way.
So my question is this... how do I handle this situation? I have never cut her off or dismissed any of her random questions, but they are seriously impeding any learning or worship that may occur with the rest of the group. Is it fair to the rest of the group that they cannot possibly keep a train of thought for more than a couple of minutes because she distracts us some way? I want this girl to feel included, but at what price?
Any advice or insight would be awesome
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4 comments:
Tough situation,
A couple of options:
1. Set some ground rules for behaviors and get them adpoted "officially" in the next council meeting.
2. Get an adult to sit with her and curb some of these behaviors or take her out when she is distracting.
3. Make one of her parents attend the youth functions with her.
I would also contact the school or find out if she is in a mainstream environment and how her teachers deal with her.
Good Luck... another Nazarene Youth Pastor
NYP,
hey.
i've struggled with situations similar in the past and still do from time to time. i'll save you the time of reading any of my experiences and i'll cut right to the chase. 2 thoughts i've wrestled with in the past and still re-visit from time to time.
1. how important are my lessons? seriously. if the purpose of my youth gathering is for me to teach a 'lesson' and the students to 'learn' that lesson, then i would sit them in rows facing me... tape their hands behind their backs... tape their mouths shut... and put toothpicks in their eyelids to keep them awake. but for us, the written/oral lesson has become less and less important and communicating love in the community has become more and more important.
which leads me to...
2. what if the best lesson would be for all of the students to begin to participate with us in loving those who have 'issues'?
i know my question raises more questions. sorry. building a relationship with this student outside of the 'programmed' evenings and outside of small groups or sunday school as well would prove helpful.
look forward to following your blog:)
brad
I agree...a tough situation! I think the suggestions are good but I would like to add some thoughts as a pastor who is also a social worker. You are in the unfortunate category of those who have to deal with the ever-present tension of having a mentally Ill/mentally disabled among your group. Its hard but there are also some important opportunities here!
I would encourage you with the fact that, eventually (as you have already found) you will find words, phrases, cues, etc. that will get this girl back on track and re-direct her attention.
But I wouldn't be so quick to assume that she is not getting anything out of your lessons. The mentally ill/disabled sometimes are "hyperaware", in other words they are not just listening to you but acutely aware of just about everything in the room (as well, perhaps, of a few things that are not there!). She probably sees and sense everybody looking at her (whether they are or not), every slight interaction between individuals in the group (whispers, looks, snickers, smiles, teasing, etc.) and finds it hard to process them all. But chances are she is listening to the lesson as well!
You have to be patient and compassionate. This will teach your other group members to be patient and compassionate as well. They will run into special needs individuals all thier lives and they should learn from you how a Christian ought to respond (with love and compassion). Brad said it better:) If you hang in there the group will eventually (and with lots of prayer on your part) come to "adopt" this girl and become protective of her as well as tolerant of her "manifestations".
It may be that the most important lesson you teach all of your group will be taught by your example in responding to this child with the love of Christ. Teach them how to love the "unloveable" by showing them how to love her!
I send this off with a prayer for guidance and wisdom from the Father.
JP
Thanks for the comments guys!
llflour- official ground rules or behaviors being adopted isn't going to matter on bit to this girl. The idea of having an adult or parent present to help keep her in check might be a good solution though- thanks for that suggestion! By the way..is this Levi Lowry of Benson Hall fame?
Brad- I think you may have hit the nail on the head. Are lessons the "point" of my youth group- certainly not. I think the point is twofold. First, to create the loving environment for growth as you point out. Secondly though, the youth group should be a place for instruction and training so that the teens can go and expand the Kingdom of Christ outside the walls of the Church. Is one more important than the other? Probably not. Is one becoming near impossible in my group... that's what I'm afraid of. This has been an awesome way for the other teens to step up. They have welcomed her and did everything in their power to make her feel like "one of the group." I couldn't be more proud of how they have stepped to the plate.
JP- thank you for your comments and your prayers! If nothing else, I pray that this situation does show our youth group how to have love and patience for those that may be different from them.
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